I’ve been having a lot of feelings these past few days. Most of which are out of my control. So today I’ve decided to write out my feelings and hopefully understand my own feelings.
16 months ago I moved into a HUGE house following homelessness. It was one of my greatest life accomplishments! I packed up my 2 trash bags and a basket of miscellaneous items with my son’s diaper bag and slept on an air mattress in a duplex that was way too big for me and my kids.
I quickly made it home with the little that I had. I was happy to walk through those doors each time I entered, even it it was empty. The lights were on. The heat and water was too, and it was all in my name! I prayed so hard for something but never knew the magnitude of the blessing I was receiving and to be honest, I wasn’t ready for it. It was too much house for my young boys and a single man, so I made it home for everyone who entered.
I felt like it was my obligation to help those around me because of the people around me that helped me, and didn’t have to. I certainly didn’t do it on my own. I take pride in being verbally praised in “making it look easy”…whatever “it” was… “it” wasn’t.
The orchestration of me building my foundation was only that of the Lord. I had a Facebook friend, Tameka Chanel, who sold me two couches, two tables and a coffee table for $50! My friend Britney GAVE me a 55in tv on top of the numerous times she came over and filled up my fridge with groceries for me and my kids. I had another friend who purchased new furniture and gave me her old set. She also was a couponer, so Lashawn Wade would give me loads of overstocked items she stored in her garage. I could go through each room in that house and shout out someone for GIVING me something, and it was treated like the golden ticket to the Wanka Factory because I was just beyond grateful! And I can go on and on.
I took in a handful of people who considered my home, theirs. I never looked to anyone for payment because the bills will be paid without you. I wanted to share my blessings. I enjoy taking care of people. I enjoyed cooking big meals for people and having family time with people who may not even be related to me, but we love something about one another. I enjoyed cleaning and decorating and making, home, home. It did though become very draining. I didn’t realize until I was too deep in. Everyone who came through was sucking something out of me. I was being drained and didn’t know how to recharge. But looking back on it, I wouldn’t have it any other way. But fuck all that.
My landlord sold my house and things weren’t working in my favor for me to renew a lease. So I used that as an escape. An escape to start over, fresh. I needed to rebuild, but this time for me. So I spent the first month of the year packing my whole house, crying, reminiscing, reflecting and trying to make a new plan. It was an emotional thing for me. I had just lost a friend from the army and was finally able to properly mourn his death. I was all packed up, had my new place setup and was still staying nights in my house. I woke up one day and decided that this was the day I was going to leave.
In that time, I was also very sick. Over the last few years I’ve been very open about my status when it comes to sexual awareness. Mainly because of me being a new, up and coming public figure, it’s not something I wanted attached to my name negatively. I wanted to share my own story, especially after hearing so many rumors about myself. People were so uneducated and my community lacked awareness. The term, “HIV” itself is just so deadly to say and society has made it such a degrading and deathly thing and after self education, I wanted to bring awareness to the matter and educate people, and hopefully encourage them to protect themselves, as I regret not doing. It’s possible to live a long, healthy life with this, without passing it on.
With having that though, it makes things a little harder for me. My weight is up and down, I can’t keep food or medicine down. In 2014, I was diagnosed with “Fever of Unknown Origin”. For years I’d overheat and get random headaches that would reach up to 105 degrees and could last for over a week. It was miserable living my teenage and first years of adulthood like that. Now when I get sick, at times it’s hard for me to get out of bed. When I do make it out of bed, I’m heavily dependent on a cane. One time my son said, “Daddy why you got that cane like a grandpa?” It didn’t bother me any. I just laughed it off like I do everything else. Life taught me that is easier to laugh at the things I can’t change, rather than depress over them.
I’m actually very shame in sharing that part of me with anyone. I try to be very dependent and self reliable. I never want to look physically incapable, even when I am so I often times go into hiding during these moments. That does however, makes me very depressed. My body changes when it wants to and there’s nothing that I can do about it but wait and pray that it’ll subside.
On top of all this, it’s been almost 5 months since I’ve last seen my son. Not because I’m a bad person. Not because I’m unfit. Not because I don’t want to be in life. Shit between his mom and I got to the point where it was the only thing she could use to hurt me and she did. Hurt me bad. We have an order for our son that was granted by a judge and outlines our specific days with him. I filed for this motion in the summer of 2018, the first time she kept my son away from me and my family for like reasons. I’m the only one honoring this order and constantly receiving the short end of the stick when it comes to my son. In his almost 3 years of life, I’ve missed his first 2 birthdays, 2 Christmases, Thanksgiving, our first family reunion, and my other son’s birthday. If not for nothing, all I want with my kids is time. With that, I can teach them and love them like I wish my dad had did with me. Time is the only thing you can’t get back and because it was all I had to give to her other son at a point in time but it was more than his own daddy was giving him.
I quickly and easily forgave after the first time. I still provided for both of her kids, including her. Opening my home to them as well when things started falling apart that way. There’s no room for reconciliation after this. For anyone over that way. I hate that I feel so strong about it, but if they died over there, I wouldn’t shed a sad tear. For them to allow her to go this long and not consider our son says everything I need to know. They kept my son away from love. My mom, sisters, niece and nephews and oldest son. They said fuck us, so that’s exactly what it is. Fuck everyone over there and I have nothing good to say about them ever, so don’t be surprised if they’re brought up and some slick shit fly out my mouth. Oh well. No regrets.
The wait to see my son is almost over. His mom tried everything in her power to keep this baby away from me and my family. We’re scheduled to speak before a judge to change our custody agreement to to hold his mom in contempt for keeping him way from me, disobeying the previously granted order. I would love to see her behind bars behind this. She needs to think about what she actually did over the last few months. I’ll sleep like a baby knowing she’s in jail and feel like we’re even. No matter the outcome, it will be in my favor.
To make matters worse, the death of Kobe Bryant and the other victims on that helicopter who tragically lost their lives weighed heavy on my heart. No, I can’t claim to be a Laker’s fan, or even a die hard Kobe fan, but I connected with him as a father. Hearing that this black man lost his life (the way he did) with his daughter broke my heart into pieces. I could only imagine their last moments together knowing the helicopter was going down. I can picture this little girl screaming for her father to protect her like he has for the last 13 years. I think about his trying to comfort her in those final moments they spent alive and the feeling of uselessness because of a situation that was out of his control. He lost his life too. And like me, I lost a small piece of life each day I went without my son and couldn’t do anything but wait until the court hearing.
I will smile often and complain less as someone is always experiencing worse. I will enjoy my kids and my relationships in private, as my career reaches new heights and privacy becomes scarce. I will not hold guilt for anything that I have gone through or experienced, as it has made me who I am today. I will live fearlessly, with no regrets. Tomorrow is promised to no one. I will be optimistic and all situations. Peace is so much easier for me.
I’ve extended apologies to those I felt deserving. There’s people who I feel owe me an apology. Keep it. I’ve been good without it. If you see me, don’t touch me. No hugs. No handshakes. No “daps”… and I mean that with all due respect. I have to protect my energy for the sake of my mind. My children. And those who fall under that.
Rest peacefully to the old me. And don’t test this this “New Me” like the old me ain’t IN me.